I started writing this particular blog entry several times over the last few months.
It was almost insanity, expecting a different result every time I sat down to type. There was just nothing coming- I could not get the thoughts to come together to form sentences. Every time I sat down to write anything I was overcome with anxiety and sadness, and even though I was productive in some ways, getting any writing done felt impossible. I know time keeps ticking, and I dropped my own ball. I wanted to do so much more with the time I had. Now I feel like I’m not prepared. There has been a melancholy clouding my mind. I know I am not the only one. But sometimes I also imagine I am the only one.
And then…
Digging into the DEI work, and trying to keep the conversation going in whatever way I can, has been exhausting. I’ve had to have the hard conversations in my own home, enduring some heartache and hurtful words and creating distance from people I care about because they don’t provide a safe space anymore. There is so much talk and definitely not enough action, and it is difficult to stay in spaces where you suddenly don’t feel safe. So many losses from 2020 will be felt forever.
So I decided to do this thing… Even though it was out of my comfort zone, I felt the need to keep inviting people to have the conversation. AND I decided to do it in a public way! Not like me at all- it made me push myself, and was worth the effort. I appreciate the time I was able to spend in thoughtful discussions on all those Monday nights; it definitely helped keep justice, diversity, equity, and inclusion at the forefront of what I was doing. I never imagined I could run a 4-month-long discussion night that would be live streamed on social media. That was a lot! But I highly recommend checking out our hard work and caring conversations. I even added a section to the website to highlight those efforts- I decided on JEDI as the acronym, because why wouldn’t I? EPIC JEDI? Yes, please.
There are a few things to look forward to now. Hopefully we can get back to some parent university work. Maybe I’ll get to teach something soon. Perhaps this blog post will inspire me to write consistently again. The podcast that’s been in my head might make an appearance. And of course, my beloved Feisty Fellowships can launch and start making the world a better place.
There’s so much to be grateful for in the last few months, and right now it does seem that the cloud getting in the way of the light around my work can be cleared occasionally. This is what I have to hang on to, that it can feel better and I can feel motivated and actually complete tasks that help me move forward. I can’t promise to be consistent, but I can promise to care and do my best. I think that’s worth it. I appreciate you coming back to check.
